


I'll Still Have Me

by ink_writes16



Series: The Last Piece in the Grand Scheme [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt with no Comfort, M/M, This is not how i was planning it to go, buddie, im not sorry, non established
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:54:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29539218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ink_writes16/pseuds/ink_writes16
Summary: “What do you want me to say? You want me to forgive you? Fine, I forgive you. But it’s not going to be the same as it was. You know that. I know that."Eddie takes a risk and it doesn't go how he hopes. But it's fine, he's always been good at bouncing back. Until the consequences of his risk comes back. Words are said and now they can never go back to the way it was.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: The Last Piece in the Grand Scheme [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2171580
Comments: 36
Kudos: 86





	I'll Still Have Me

"You made your choice and I made mine. Just because you can’t live with your decision, doesn’t mean you get to shame me for living with mine.”

The words came out of him before he could stop himself, his tone so much harsher than he’d meant. Buck looked like he’d just been slapped in the face.

“E-Eddie, I’m sorry...” he said softly. “I didn’t... I wasn’t expecting it and I got- I got freaked out, I’m sorry.”

“You keep saying that, Buck,” Eddie snapped. “But you told me no. You told me no in the worst possible way. And then I didn’t hear from you for _days_.” Buck shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t want to hear an apology. And you don’t get to be mad.”

Buck furrowed his brows. “I don’t get to be mad?” he echoed incredulously. “You asked me out and a week later, you’re going on a date!”

“It’s called ‘moving on’, but I wouldn’t expect you to know that. I know it’s something you struggle with.”

Buck straightened. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“It took you _how_ long to move out of your ex-girlfriend’s apartment?”

“If _you_ can move on so quickly, why did it take you so long to start dating after Shannon died?”

Eddie knew Buck instantly regretted the words.

  
But it didn’t matter.

Anger boiled over in him and he launched at Buck, throwing him against the lockers. Someone was yelling and pulling him away before he could do anything else. Chimney and Bobby got between him and Buck.

“You don’t get to talk about her, you _do not_ get to use her against me.”

“Alright!” Bobby pushed him out of the locker room and Eddie shrugged him off. “You want to tell me what that was about?”

“No,” he said simply, glaring past Bobby at Buck, who was shaking his head and waving Chimney away. The fear in Buck’s eyes was etched into his mind but, at the moment, he was too furious to care.

”Diaz.”

  
“It won’t happen again, Cap,” he said before turning away.

“Go home,” Bobby instructed, “get yourself sorted out.”

“I’m fine-“

“I wasn’t asking.” Eddie sighed. “I can’t have my guys at each other’s throats. I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you but I can’t let you go on a call like that.”

  
Eddie started back toward the locker room to gather his stuff, glaring at Buck as he passed him.

* * *

**_One week earlier_ **

Buck shook his head, moving away from Eddie. “You what?”

“I like you, Buck,” Eddie repeated, his hands starting to shake from the nerves of the situation. “And Chris, he loves having you around and I love having you around. It’s just dinner, Buck, that’s all I’m asking for. We’ve had dinner before.”

“But you want to do it as-as a couple?” Eddie nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets and swallowing hard. “No.”

“No?” Eddie’s face fell. “I... I’m confused.”

”I like you, Eddie,” Buck said, only making the other’s confusion grow. “But not like that. I like you as my best friend. And I love being around Christopher too but... I don’t- I don’t like you like that. I don’t like _guys_ like that.”

Eddie scoffed, grabbing his jacket. “Fine, I guess I was getting some mixed messages.”

“Eds, please don’t leave.”

“I have to go pick up my kid.”

* * *

After Chris had gone to bed, Eddie was sitting on his couch staring at his phone.

**_Eddie:_ **

_I’m sorry for overreacting and for making assumptions._

He had sent that text over a week ago.

They were accurate assumptions, Eddie knew it. The way Buck looked at him, the way he teased him, even the way he dressed there was no way that boy was straight.

Eddie had been terrified of what his reaction would be and all his fears had come true. Buck hadn’t responded to his texts or calls, he knew he hadn’t been home- Buck was staying with Maddie for a few days because of some power outage in his apartment- because Maddie had texted him to see if Buck was with him. When Eddie told her no, she had said Chimney and Bobby hadn’t heard from him either.

Until today. When Eddie threw him against the lockers.

He tossed his phone to the side and covered his face, taking a deep breath.

“Dad?”

He looked up and smiled. “Hey, mijo, what are you doing up?”

Christopher sat next to him, his crutches resting against the couch. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Yeah. Me either,” Eddie said, pulling him close. There was a knock on the front door and he gave Christopher a quick kiss on the forehead before going to open the door. Buck looked back at him with an anxious expression.

“Buck!” Christopher yelled excitedly and Buck plastered on a smile.

“Hey, buddy,” he said.

“Chris, go to your room please,” Eddie said, still glaring at Buck.

“But Daaaad.”

“Chris.”

“Fine,” he pouted, making his way to his room.

“Smart,” Eddie said when his kid was out of earshot, “coming when he’s home.”

  
“I thought he was at that sleepover…”

  
“Cancelled.”

Buck sighed. “Eds, I’m sorry. I didn’t know he’d be home, I swear, I-”

“What do you want, Buckley?”

Buck shifted and shrugged. “I- I want to apologize.”

“You’ve been doing that a lot lately.”

“I know…” He sighed. “I have a lot to apologize for.” Eddie stepped aside and motioned for him to come in. “You have to know, if I knew Chris was here-“

“It’s fine,” Eddie said. “If he wasn’t here, I probably would’ve hit you.”

  
Buck nodded. There was a heavy silence that stretched between them.

“Why did it matter so much to you?” Eddie asked finally. “That I was going out with Ana?”

“Because…” Buck said quietly. “You were right. And I was going to try to fix my mistake, ask you out. Because I realized… I really do like you, Eddie. Because, I know how hard it is for you to be vulnerable like that and if you felt comfortable and safe enough to take a chance on me, then… maybe you were serious. And then you told me you had a date and…” Buck took a step closer. “I said things I shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry, Eddie. I had no place to use Shannon like that.”

Eddie looked away at the mention of his wife, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. Buck took a breath.

“How did the date go?”

Eddie scoffed. “Please, don’t try to make small talk.”

“You aren’t saying _anything_.”

“What do you _want_ me to say, Buck?” He sounded more exasperated than anything. “You want me to forgive you? Fine, I forgive you. But it’s not going to be the same as it was. You know that. I know that; I knew that when I asked you the first time. I knew that whatever your answer was, we were _never_ going to be the same and that was a risk I was willing to take.” Buck looked at him with pained eyes. “But it’s fine. We’ll work our way to a new normal.”

“I don’t want a new normal,” Buck said quietly and Eddie shrugged.

“I don’t think you have a choice.”

“Eddie…”

“You should go, I need to go get Chris back to bed."

“Please-“

  
“Goodnight, Buck.”

He left Buck standing there, and Eddie could have sworn he saw tears in his eyes as he pushed past him.

**Author's Note:**

> ....This was supposed to be hurt/comfort and then it was just hurt. So. Comment, tell me if you want another part, because I will happily do it


End file.
